


it's my decision

by pastelserenity (snowboy)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, OH amyiplier or however yo spell it is mentioned in this cause why not, i wanna tag fluff but there's not really any fluff, it was the first youtube ship i thought of cause a photo of them was on twitter, this is my first dan and phil fic and i go straight for angst :)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 06:47:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10328420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowboy/pseuds/pastelserenity
Summary: Soulmates, everyone knew about soulmates. You meet the one you'll have by your side for the rest of your life either romantically or plantonically. You'll find them and life will be happily ever after.That's the story given to children, that's the story Dan was given as a child. And maybe that was true at some point. Evolution and all that if Dan wanted to believe in it. But how could evolution explain the benfits of losing one your senses when you met your soulmate? How to be with them is to literally give up part of yourself? And you had no control what would be given up.





	

Soulmates, everyone knew about soulmates. You meet the one you'll have by your side for the rest of your life either romantically or plantonically. You'll find them and life will be happily ever after.

That's the story given to children, that's the story Dan was given as a child. And maybe that was true at some point. Evolution and all that if Dan wanted to believe in it. But how could evolution explain the benfits of losing one your senses when you met your soulmate? How to be with them is to literally give up part of yourself? And you had no control what would be given up. 

Dan quite liked all his senses with him, thank you. Sure meeting "the one" could have him losing a sense of smell or something manageable like that, but he could instead lose his hearing. Dan had no intention of becoming the next Beethoven. Playing piano as he slowly went deaf cause of the universe dictating who he should be with. 

Piano was everything to him. He's been playing since he was nine and it got him through so much shit that would happen through school or homelife. He didn't think he give it up for anyone and the universe had a funny way of doing that. 

He remembered when an American friend of his, Mark, met their girlfriend. Mark lost his ability to talk. Something important in the world of entertainment. And Amy couldn't see, so graphic design plus animation was almost impossible for her. But for some reason beyond Dan's understanding, they stayed together. 

Losing a sense wasn't permanent. If they broke all contact, stayed away from each other, then slowly the sense would return and everything would be back to normal only to be lost again if they interacted. But they didn't.

Mark once tried to explain it to Dan. That love is worth any price. Mark was a hopless romantic. So everything went over Dan's head. He couldn't understand giving up your lively hood to be with what the universe declared their soulmate.

So maybe Dan was just a hopeless case, he could live without love. He had music and that's all he needed. He played in a piano bar a couple times a week, sold songs he'd compose over the weekend and it was a great system. He liked it, he like the predictability of it. 

What he didn't like was when Phil Lester came into his life.

It was a Friday, a busy night for the bar. Dan playing a special section of muse and radiohead piano covers. 

That must have attracted Phil over, cause once the night was ending and Dan got up from the bench. Phil was there, complimenting Dan, saying that he playing was beautiful and his music tastes were amazing. Dan blushed at the compliments, but that's when he noticed a muffle in his hearing.

It was almost like the air pressure in his ear was off, but it was getting worse. Phil's voice was becoming quieter by the second and then Phil had stopped talking all together but it didn't matter, Dan couldn't hear a single thing.

The chatter of the bar around them, the music that picks up after Dan's finished for the night. Phil was talking again, but Dan couldn't hear it. He could see soft pink lips moving, the blue eyes watching him in concern and shock. But he couldn't hear it.

Dan did the only logical thing running through his panicking mind. He bolted. Pushing through the crowd of people, every touch was overwhelming to his mind. He couldn't handle it, but he had to get out. He had to, the longer he was around Phil, the longer it would take for his hearing to return. 

Once outside, Dan didn't even bother trying to hail a taxi or call for an uber. Instead he opted to run the fifteen blocks to his flat. The suit solitude that it had to offer so Dan could process everything that had happening. 

The panic in his chest only served in getting Dan to his destination faster and the willpower to not stop even when his legs were tired and lungs burning. 

He hadn't stopped running until he closed the door behind him and was in his flat. Sinking down to floor, his back against the door, tears flowed freely and his body heaved with every breath he took. 

None of this should be happening. Dan never wanted a soulmate, he didn't ask for this, he didn't ask for a soulmate that would have him giving up his hearing. Although it wasn't Phil's fault. He would lose a sense too, but it must not have been bad right? Unless this was a case of unrequited soulmates and wouldn't that just be the cherry on this mess. 

It would be easier to avoid Phil if that was the case, but then that could also imply that there wasn't anyone in the world that was completely right for Dan even platonically. 

It was too much to handle in that moment and Dan was exhausting himself. He difted off to sleep on the floor in front of his door. 

But sleep wouldn't let him rest, dreams were filled with rejection and loneliness. Dan woke up that morning as he fell asleep, crying and exhausted. He did manage to drag himself off the floor and onto his sofa where he fell back into a restless sleep.

It wasn't until night fell that Dan detached himself and tried to deal with everything he was feeling. Who could call about this though?

Mark was a hopeless romantic and texts wouldn't comfort him right now. He needed something solid like a voice, maybe a hug. 

His next thought was Louise, but she had a soulmate and gave up the sense of touch for him. 

Maybe Pj, but he had his own problems dealing with soulmates right now with his being unrequited. Dan didn't want to add to that with his crisis.

He would just have to deal with this alone. Somehow, someway. He could do it on his own. He was a functioning twenty five year old...kinda. 

Step one, call his boss and grovel for not being there. It was already past the time he should be in to work. How Liz wasn't knocking down his door by now was a miracle. His hearing had mostly returned as well as sirens blared through the thin walls of his apartment. Typical London nosies. 

Surprisingly his boss was fine with Dan not coming in. Now he was unscheduled until Sunday. They ended it with a good luck with your soulmate. Did Phil try to find out more about him after he ran out? Maybe.

Step Two, figure out exactly what to do. Should he try to contact Phil? Should he just stay away and hope maybe it was unrequited and that he wouldn't notice. But then again he must've noticed, the shock in those blue eyes portrayed that something was happening. So completely avoiding was possible in London, but Phil also knew where Dan worked. He couldn't exactly leave his job right now. Bills were coming up.

Dan tugged at his hair, what do you really do in this situation? He couldn't completely avoid Phil, but they couldn't talk about it, Dan would lose his hearing. Why did the universe have to make this soulmates thing so complicated. 

The verison he heard as a kid was better. Soulmates were just there and it didn't cost anything to be with them. It wasn't like the evolved verison. Dan could handle having a soulmate, but he couldn't handle giving up his hearing. 

Music was all he had going for him, he'd built his life around it. How could he basically give it up for one guy. 

An hour later of thoughts and still figuring out what to do, Dan pulled himself off the couch. A walk might help clear his head, it was 5am but that never stopped him before.

Feeling the cool air on his face immediately calmed Dan down. The wind was out, but it was soft. He wouldn't freeze from it. Dan had left his coat at the bar and it was too late to swing by and pick it up. Plus Phil could be there. He probably wouldn't, but the possibility was there and Dan still wasn't ready to face him. 

The universe didn't care though. It was playing some bad joke on Dan as Phil was walking to him. He hadn't noticed Dan yet, but Dan couldn't sneak away. Running would draw attention, standing looking like a deer in headlights, would also draw attention. 

But he couldn't bring himself to move or even pretend to act normal. But maybe Phil would be oblivious. He was on his phone. Dan prayed that twitter was having drama so Phil wouldn't look up. 

He should've been hoping that Phil wouldn't run right into him. Their shoulders collided and Phil opened his mouth to apologize but seeing Dan had him shell shocked.

"I-Hi Dan." Phil whispered, like he couldn't believe Dan was in front of him. Dan couldn't believe Phil was infront of him so they had that in common. "We should talk about," Phil gestured between them. "us. My flat is right up ahead." 

Dan could only nod. Maybe this would work. They could figure it put together. Thenwalk was silent and awkward, but not terrible. The traffic sounds around them were comforting and filled in some of the tension.

Then Dan found himself in Phil's flat, which he could only describe as nerd heaven. Video game posters decorated the wall. From what Dan could see, there was a tetris lamp next to the fireplace. Phil had a fireplace. 

Dan stepped further into the space and he saw the collection of controllers underneath a tv along with many game cases lying arond. 

"You are a nerd." Dan said in awe. Phil chuckled with a shrug of his shoulders. "This is worse than my place and I'm a huge nerd." 

Dan's hearing was already fading, but it was slower than before. "Do you want anything? Tea? Hot chocolate?" 

"No, I think we should talk before I can't hear anymore." 

Phil nodded. "Yeah okay." They fell into an awkward silence, Phil was the first to speak up after several moments. "You don't want this" He stated, Dan almost wanted to argue, comfort Phil and get that sad smile off his face. "I'd love to try us. See if we really could work this out, but if you not up to it that's fine. We can end it here." 

Dan ran a hand through his hair. "It's not-I mean- Under different circumstances I would take you up on that. But music, playing piano. It's my life, it's all I have. I'm not famous in it by any means, but I'm good. I can't imagine giving that up." 

Phil nodded. "I understand. You do play beautifully. I know someone would recognize it and you'd become one of the greats like Mozart. The choice is up to you."

"I think we should stop this." Dan said quickly. Phil took a step back.

"I-Uh-If that's what you want." His voice was soft, he was giving Dan the choice. He wanted to stay together, but he was only losing touch. Dan was losing hearing. Phil was willing to give up on them if it made Dan happy.

For a second, Dan wanted to stay. He wanted to stay for Phil, but could they be happy like that? Would they be like Mark and Amy? Happy to figure out a new life together, to work around each other's lost sense.

"I'm sorry." Dan finally said. He wasn't ready to give music up, to give up his own life. Phil affected him in a way that he hated and loved. But in the end Dan was selfish. He'd do what was best for himself. 

Phil nodded, a tight smile on his face. "Alright Dan, I can give you my phone number if for some reason you change your mind. But if not, can I have a hug before you go?" 

Dan couldn't fathom why Phil would want a hug, he couldn't really feel it Dan couldn't really hear anymore. But Dan went along, he was denying Phil a soulmate, the least he could do now was offer up a hug through their fading senses.

The hug was tight, Phil saying everything he wanted to in it. But it was also comforting, like he was forgiving Dan for leaving him. That he understood. Dan's eyes started watering, but he refused to cry. 

He pulled away from the hug first. "I hope you have a good life, Phil." 

Phil nodded. "Same to you. If I don't see your name in lights one day, I'll fight the world for you." 

Dan laughed at that. The idea of Phil, this tall, lanky, ball of sunshine, fighting the world for Dan. Maybe in a different life, they would've worked really well together. They did match in each other's strengths and weaknesses, but Dan still couldn't handle it. 

"Goodbye." Dan left, the soft click of the door finalizing his decision.

**Author's Note:**

> hey hi hellooo  
> alrighty, i tried with this. I haven't written anything long in awhile so i'm hella rusty. 
> 
> i was gonna do an alternate ending but ngl i might just keep the angst. who knows?? 
> 
> also hmu @ pastelserenity on twitter for memes and updates on if i'm writing something angsty. odds are, i'm either writing or reading something angsty.


End file.
